Vindication
by glaube
Summary: Aya's injured on a mission; see his thoughts when facing death. [AY songfic oneshot]


Vindication

Lyrics are "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional (whom I normally despise) -- it's off the Spidey 2 soundtrack. RY, post-gluhen...ish. Questions? No? Then shall we dance...?

**...Vindication...**

_Hope dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption  
Winding in and winding out  
The shine of it has caught my eye_

Every once in a while we get a mission that kicks our asses, because you're gone. This one is no different; there are too many guards, and Ken and I have been overworked lately. It's not like I expected to live to see thirty, anyway, Youji; and it's not like I could care to see it since you don't remember anything. I'm not bitter. You wanted it that way. I'm wounded and they're circling like vultures: the end is near; I'm dying tonight and you'll die an old man with Asuka and maybe we'll catch eachother on the next round. I'm trying to watch them; I guess the modern samurai in me refuses to die without going out in the brilliance of battle, but the haze of pain might force me into darkness before I get my honorable death. 

Wire sings through the air before the blackness claims me and I am left unconscious to ponder... 

_And roped me in  
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing  
I am captivated_

While we were together before you forgot everything, it was just a fuck; you know. That's what we swore. But fuck, man; I'm unconscious and probably about to die. So I can say it. I can justify myself. I can free myself with three little words. 

I. Love. You. 

_I am Vindicated  
I am selfish  
I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
I swear I knew it all along_

It always amazed me that your hands were so soft despite yielding wire; mine were always calloused from hours of katana practice. I used to wonder if our hands were a reflection of our souls; because I've always felt unsavable, unsalvagable, tainted forever -- with Aya back I forever face the fact that I am a killer. An assassin. My job is to terminate life. You saw something in me, though, I guess. 

_And I am flawed   
But I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself_

I think I get it. I think we loved eachother. Funny how the world works, though; you've got your amnesia and your Asuka and your upcoming marraige. Okay. Maybe I'm a little bitter. I don't think I'm unsavable, Youji. I don't think I'm going to hell if I die tonight. I think I found my salvation in you. At the least, you found my humanity. 

_So clear  
Like the diamond in your ring  
Cut to mirror your intentions  
Oversized and overwhelmed  
The shine of which has caught my eye_

You'll make Asuka very happy while I'm busy being very dead. It'll be alright. Maybe we'll catch eachother on the flip side. It was the type of thing you've always wanted, even if it's what I never wanted. 

_And rendered me   
So isoloated, so motivated  
I am certain now that_

It's probably selfish of me to want you back; but that's not going to matter soon, because any minute these guys are going to shoot my unconscious self; and you can't be selfish when you're dead. 

_I am Vindicated  
I am selfish  
I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
I swear I knew it all along_

I think you'd be proud of me tonight, Youji. I think you always thought I could be like this and just never chose to. Never chose to tell you; never chose to show you. It was a mistake; I'm sorry. 

_And I am flawed  
But I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself_

I love you. Did you know it all along? 

**"Ran."**

Delusions of a dying man. 

**"Holy shit, Ran; if you don't wake the fuck up I swear I'll kick your ass myself."**

Alright, so my delusions feel fairly realistic. And I feel like I'm in a lot of pain. I crack an eye open and am rewarded with you; and your lips curl into a genuine smile. 

_So turn  
Up the corners of your lips  
Part them and feel my finger tips  
Trace the moment, fall forever  
Defense is paper thin_

"RAN!" 

Your hand finds mine; you bring it to your lips, and I stare. There's no way you can be real. Youji Kudou lost his memory, probably doesn't even remember how to use a wire anymore. You just look a lot like him, and can use garrotte; which is why there's so many dead guys around us right now. 

"God...I was almost too late. Ran?" 

"You're not real." It's fact, pal. I don't know who you are but you are not Youji Kudou. You light a cigarette, which makes it harder for me to believe that you're not Youji; but he's got amnesia. "Youji Kudou's got amnesia and is getting married to Asu--" 

"Shut up." You murmur; and we're kissing; and I can taste the tobacco on you, and it's the right type of poison; and I am vindicated. 

_Just one touch and I'd be in  
Too deep now to ever swim against the current  
So let me slip away   
So let me slip against the current   
So let me slip away _

"I remember, Ran. All of it." 

"I love you, Youji." 

_I am Vindicated  
I am selfish  
I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
I swear I knew it all along_

"I know." 

_And I am flawed   
But I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself_

**"I love you too."**

And we're selfish, and it's wrong, but we're right; and we knew it all along... 

_Slight hope  
It dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption..._   
  
**sorry for my long absence; creative block. review.....please? hugs -glaube.**


End file.
